Content | November 8, 2016
10 Films That Would’ve Been Fine if the Protagonist Had Just Used Google Maps
We think it’s fair to say that life is a whole lot easier now that Google Maps has entered the world. But for some reason that’s not the case in Hollywood.
So we got thinking. How many movie dilemmas would be solved a whole lot quicker and easier if someone had just installed Google Maps on their phone?
So we listed some. You know, in case you found yourselves wondering or something.
1. Raiders of the Lost Ark
© : alohalospescadores.blogspot.com/Paramount
This 1981 classic is littered with examples of how the situation could’ve been solved if only for good old Google Maps.
First of all, we’re 99% sure there’s a ‘locate booby traps’ tab on the app. There’s no way modern technology would let Indie get chased by a giant boulder and nearly die just ten minutes into the film.
Plus, he would’ve found the hidden underground location in Peru way quicker because it’s classed as a landmark – providing there was 4G in the depths of the Peruvian jungle.
Then there’s those old foes, the Nazis. Those bloody Nazis! The only reason that lot end up snatching the ark of the covenant from the hands of our protagonist is because he just didn’t get there quick enough. If they’d had access to maps, Indie and co would’ve got there long before the Nazis even got a whiff of the prize.
We’ve contacted Spielberg for possible alterations so watch this space.
© : 20th Century Fox
Iceberg alert. Need we say more?
There’s no way maps would plot a route that included possible congestion, and with icebergs having a tendency to move veeeery slowly, it would have added at least thirty years to the original time estimation. Are you listening Captain Edward John Smith? Google Maps saves lives.
Side note: There was most definitely room for two.
3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Harry and co. took so long locating all of those damned horcruxes that they were forced to split it into two movies!
The vast majority of Part 1 is made of the Hogwarts squad sullenly gallivanting around the countryside, only to be almost killed on multiple occasions.
As we mentioned before, Google Maps’ booby-trap option allows you to avoid such issues, regardless of any spells or incantations. As long as you have 3G it should be fine.
Plus, Voldermort is of a different generation, so there’s no way he could’ve used it to catch up to you.
Would’ve just confused him, probably.
Okay, so 90% of Frozen is the result of Elsa’s hissy fit, upon when she dooms her newly appointed kingdom to an eternal winter.
Having done so, she runs away of course, and it’s left to her little sister Anna to go ahead and find her.
Well, did you know that eternal winters don’t have an effect on the ever efficient Google Maps?
Not only would it calculate a new estimated time (via reindeer) after factoring in the snow-caused disruptions, but it would also quickly list Elsa’s new ice castle, making it ridiculously easy to find her new secret location.
If Elsa had known this, we’re sure she would have ‘let it go’. Ha.
© : Henson Associates Inc.
Ah, Labyrinth. David Bowie’s finest artistic moment. The Thin White Duke took a malevolent turn as The Goblin King in this Jim Henson-directed tour de force, as he steals Jennifer Connolly (Sarah)’s little brother and takes him to his castle in the middle of his, yes, Labyrinth.
Her journey was long, arduous and dangerous, principally because she eschewed Google Maps – although her phone-free sortie did facilitate the introduction of Sir Didymus and his pesky friend Ambrosius (surely the finest double act of all time).
Sarah had 13 hours to find her brother and she made it just in time. If she’d consulted Google Maps, she would have reached the Goblin King’s castle after 43 minutes of light walking.
6. Finding Nemo
42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Easy right? Not if you don’t have Google Maps it’s not.
The film is pretty much a warning against setting out on unplanned, unmapped voyages.
You could get eaten by shark, or put into a dentist’s fish tank. Who knows?
What we do know is that if Marlin had mapped out his journey to begin with, there’s no way he would’ve ended up in a bloom jellyfish. Rookie move.
7. The Lord of the Rings
— Gwyneth Jane (@gwynethjane_) October 14, 2016
So much of the Lord of the Rings trilogy is made up of Frodo moaning as he attempts to find Mordor. It’s incredibly annoying.
What more annoying is that fact that had Frodo followed Google Maps, he would’ve halved his journey time.
As shown by by Reddit user mbingcrosby, consulting Google Maps would have cleverly avoided any ork-based interruptions, and thousands of lives would have been saved when the ring is destroyed before any disastrous wars break out. Shame really.
8. The Wizard of Oz
Was the yellow brick road really the fastest route?
Did anyone even bother to check if there were alternative roads which ran to Emerald City with substantially less traffic? Country lanes perhaps?
All plausible questions which would’ve been answered with Google Maps.
9. The Revenant
This is the second time I’ve welcomed a film with blessed Leo onto my list. This time it’s all his fault. Has anybody told him that mapping out a route beforehand can spare a lot of time?
He would’ve enacted his bloody revenge significantly quicker had he loaded up Google Maps. But no.
Instead he fell down a waterfall, got attacked A LOT and even gutted a horse to escape a snow storm.
10. The Maze Runner
Who loves a dystopian future where adolescent boys are forced to run through a deadly maze in an attempt to escape to freedom?
Me, that’s who!
Anyway. Anyone who journeys regularly along the M4 knows that nothing slows down a journey like traps and mythological creatures. Not only would Google Maps allow the lads in the Maze Runner to be free within the first half an hour or so (depending on traffic), but they would have avoided the terrifying obstacles too.
Maybe next time lads.
What do you think?
Let’s hope some of these protagonists learn from their mistakes and use modern technological advances to avoid grave danger and ridiculously arduous journeys in the future. We’re looking at you Leo.